Sorry!

I started this post two weeks ago, but then got busy preparing for vacation. We were gone all last week visiting my family, and now I'm in the midst of a busy week at work (more on that later!).

Here's the news from church:

The Pastor's last Sunday was upbeat and fast-paced. A number of visitors came to see him off and speak their thanks to him. There's a fair amount of variation in attendees from week to week, I have noticed. In the four weeks I have attended, it seems approximately half of the faces are new. And, interesting to me, there is a church member who keeps attendance in a log. I'm not sure I've ever seen that at a church before. Is this common?

The big news is that the new pastor is a woman! I'm very interested to see how this affects the dynamic of the service. I had been kind of grooving on the male pastor, but hadn't yet formulated any real thoughts on the matter. I wondered how a male pastor and a "male" god were going to affect my sense of spirituality. The outgoing pastor really fulfilled my stereotype of a "black preacher," so I'm very curious to see what the woman is like.

In career news, it is a banner week. I've started a consulting contract that means I can start my own business and be my own boss. (I've also got another client, and more prospective gigs that I am cultivating.) I'll be working from home, which will give me much more time for my family and my hobbies.

I feel like I'm living my dream - I'm so energized about my career again. Everything is exciting, from the commute to the new gig to buying paperclips. I'm especially enjoying planning my home office, which we've decided to locate in the "four-seasons" room just off our kitchen. It gets lots of sun, but most importantly has a separate heating system to keep bills lower in winter.

Up

I haven't had time to write here, because I'm not stuck in an office all day anymore. After a few days of angst, I was able to accept this time as an unplanned summer "staycation." I've been walking every day, getting lots of sun (for the Vitamin D), and cooking again. I visit Baby E at his daycare at midday to nurse him and sometimes I bring him home for the rest of the day. I'm seeing friends that I never have time to see and just generally enjoying life outside of the daily grind. It sure is nice to NOT drive for 2 hours a day!

When I do get to my computer, I'm focused on the job hunt and feel like this journal is a guilty indulgence.

But, after a too-long hiatus, I did manage to get back to church on Sunday, and I can't help but record the experience. It was nice to be back, felt comfortable, and I was pleasantly surprised to see a woman from one of my networking groups sitting in the front pew. I opened the bulletin, and there was her name - she's the secretary for the church.

The reading and sermon were on the topic "The Wisdom of Waiting on God." Obviously a topic of interest to me. The pastor spoke of the inherent value of waiting, of being open-hearted and patient. I interpreted his sermon to mean that there are good times for things to happen in your life, and you may not know when that time is. Just because you want something to happen NOW, doesn't mean NOW would be the best possible time. God sees much more of the big picture than we do, and s/he knows all that can be affected by change.

But. It was very interesting how different it feels now that "something" has happened to me. Of course, I'm still waiting - for job ads to be posted, for emails requesting interviews, for calls with job offers - but it feels very different. I no longer feel like I am in a state of suspended animation. I feel alive...and free! And hopeful.

There's an odd duality in my beliefs about this situation. If things go well, if a new job appears quickly, then I'll believe that this was all a part of God's plan. However, if things don't go well, it's hard for me to imagine thinking that was God's purpose - to make me suffer.

(Yes, I know about Job. But I haven't really decided what to think of the story of Job.)

At the end of the service, the Pastor made a big announcement: next Sunday will be his last! After all the drama with his reappointment, he's still leaving. It's too bad, because I really liked his voice and his presence. But it will be valuable for me to see someone new. I don't even know if women are allowed to be pastors in this church...

Well, there's one thing I do know after attending a scant three times. My favorite part of the service is singing the hymn. These old spirituals have such amazing tunes. I was really swinging this week, as we sang "Lift Him Up":

How to reach the masses, men of every birth,
For an answer, Jesus gave the key:
“And I, if I be lifted up from the earth,
Will draw all men unto Me.”

• Refrain:
  Lift Him up, lift Him up;
  Still He speaks from eternity:
  “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth,
  Will draw all men unto Me.”

Oh! the world is hungry for the Living Bread,
Lift the Savior up for them to see;
Trust Him, and do not doubt the words that He said,
“I’ll draw all men unto Me.”

Don’t exalt the preacher, don’t exalt the pew,
Preach the Gospel simple, full, and free;
Prove Him and you will find that promise is true,
“I’ll draw all men unto Me.”

Lift Him up by living as a Christian ought,
Let the world in you the Savior see;
Then men will gladly follow Him Who once taught,
“I’ll draw all men unto Me.”

News

Last Thursday, I was laid off.

It's hard for me to believe that God has a plan in all of this.

But I do believe that the Goddess will get me through these hard times.

One more shot

About a month ago, I hatched a plan for a new career.

At the time, I had gone six months without even a single job to apply to. This is unheard of for me. I've never had a problem applying for jobs or getting jobs. After all, I am the woman who got a job in six weeks after being laid off last year.

When I came up with my plan, I was seriously dejected about the prospects for any change in my job, and I realized I had to start thinking of new options.

My criteria were as follows:
- I need a job close to home, in my county. I can't hack the 40- to 60-minute commutes to the larger cities nearby. I need to have that time for my family and home life.
- I need generous vacation time. And I mean generous. I'd love to live the European life, with the month of August off. Plus it's really annoying to live with Papa D and his academic schedule and not be able to take advantage of the flexibility that it gives our family.
- I need to earn at least $50,000 a year. This is the cut-off to be able to continue to pay the mortgage, daycare, and have a vacation.

I had been considering going back to school for a social work degree - I'm very drawn to adoption work - but the salary scale is so low that it seemed unfeasible. It starts in the 30s and ends in the 30s. Even with 20 years experience, you don't make more money. This finding from the internet was validated when I saw local job ads offering $25 an hour to master's-level social workers.

I was poking around for alternatives to social work, and I somehow stumbled upon school psychology. School psychologists work for school districts, providing evaluations of students and consulting to teachers. The advantage of this career is that I would get to work with children, especially the special needs children that I am so concerned about. The work is about 50 percent writing, which I don't anticipate having any problems with, and people skills are the key thing to bring to the job. You interact with lots of different kinds of people, and what you do changes from day to day. And, bingo, you work 200 days a year - that means Christmas, Easter, and two months of summer off.

To work as a school psychologist would require me to go back for a master's degree, but there is an affordable program, designed for people who work, about 1 hour from my house (and my job). I would have to keep working part-time, so the program might take me four to five years instead of the usual three.

I was excited about the prospect of going back to school, and I was excited about the idea of the career. I was first Myers-Briggs typed about 12 years ago, and I learned that my type - ENFJ - is well suited to both public relations (like I have been doing for 15 years) and the helping professions.

The only downside is that it will take a while - like 10 years - to get up to the $50,000 a year salary mark (but the salary does increase every year, over time). Maybe I could rationalize that we won't take the financial hit until after No-Longer-a-Baby E will be in elementary school, and we won't have daycare costs.

As these other job opportunities have arisen...and fallen back (I have had no word from the Big City Agency and I have low hopes for the job I am interviewing for tomorrow), I'm not sure how I feel about the school psychology option. The initial enthusiasm has waned, and now I have to make some decisions. Should I continue to pursue this new career? Should I try to find a way to make my current career work?

I'm nearing 40 years old, and my decision will impact the next 20 years (or longer, with the way things are going nowadays). I haven't been happy in my current career for 10 years, despite many variations of duties and organizations. Perhaps I should start admitting that the problem may be with the career itself, not the jobs.

But, to be fair, I guess I have to give another job a try first. One last try in this career, before giving it up.

At least I have some direction to go. Papa D was more enthusiastic about my working remotely for the Big City Agency than he has been about any of my other schemes. So that's the route I need to take, approaching agencies that are hiring and suggesting a telecommuting arrangement. Eventually, when the economy improves, I could even go to my current employer and suggest telecommuting.

Mother love

I know, in my head, that we can't adopt another child. When I think about it rationally, I can see that we don't have the resources (time, energy, finances) to give to another child (although No Mother Earth makes a charming and persuasive argument for more than one child).

I only have 2 hours a day to spend with Baby E as it is - how would I possibly split that up for two children? Or more? It doesn't feel fair to us to give less than we do now.

But....

I want more children so much.

I feel like I have so much love to give, and there are children out there who need a mother. I think I've realized how good I am at mothering, and I want to do more of it. I want to be More Mother.

My awesome friend, Sally, told me she felt similarly when her children were about six months old. She inspired me with her vision of Mary as the universal mother, caring for all of us as her children. I feel as if I am a channel for this mothering energy, coming from the universe through me to my children.

The difficulty is that these feelings, this energy is pent up inside of me. I have no way to express them. Or do I? Why don't I simply direct all this mothering at Baby E?

Well, that's a good question. I have an answer, but not necessarily a good one.

I have a feeling that I don't want to focus all of that energy on Baby E, that it might be unhealthy for him. I believe that attention is an important part of parenting. Giving quality, undivided attention is the major way that I hope to show my love and approval for Baby E. Withholding attention - or shamuing - is how I hope to discourage behaviors that are unproductive. Too much attention, in my mind, can distort the parent-child relationship.

I don't believe that parents should be obsessed with their children. I know from my own experience how being a "little god" led to no boundaries and lots of difficulties in my life, difficulties that even my mother's overwhelming love could not balance.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel guilty if I'm doing things like watching TV or checking my email instead of playing with Baby E. In the scant two hours I have with him at night, I spend a large portion of that time cooking and eating dinner, plus doing whatever other chores need to happen in the evenings. I'm not sure how often I really meet the standard of "quality, undivided attention."

I think this guilt is exacerbated by the fact that I am an adoptive mother. I feel it is so important to give Baby E "optimal" attachment, to make up for the traumatic loss of his birthmother he suffered at birth. And I feel anxious about whether he is really bonded to me. Does he really think I'm someone special? A fear that I can only imagine will grow as he does, as he explores the world and finds so many other things more exciting than Mommy.

(If I compare these thoughts to my thoughts on relationships, they seem silly. I never say to myself "Hey, you're loving Papa D too much.")

There should be a way out of this dilemma. I should let the Goddess be my guide. She showers endless love on her children, and it doesn't harm us, because she also lets us grow up into our own, wonderful, unique independent beings.

If these feelings come from the Goddess, who am I to block them? Maybe She wants me to flood Baby E with all the love I have. Maybe there's some reason that I don't know, something in the future that he needs to be prepared for.

A ray of hope?

I have a job interview scheduled for Thursday morning. Not with any of the opportunities I've already written about, but with a new organization. It's a job I found and applied to immediately on Thursday morning. Within three hours, I had a call from the HR department asking for an interview this week.

So it's easily meeting my standard for synchronicity. I mean, that's a mind-boggling pace for an academic institution. But I'm not really that excited. If anything, my emotions are ranging from dull to dread.

At first, I was excited about the prospect of an interview, any interview and another job, any job. But as I've thought through this particular job and discussed it with Papa D, it seems like it won't be a good move.

It has good benefits (including incredible vacation/holiday schedule), but a serious drop in salary. It is either a similar commute time or longer (will test this on Thursday). Those tradeoffs could be manageable, if the job and work environment would be an improvement. But those are two big IFs.

I have no idea what kind of job will make me happier. This is a writing job, and I have enjoyed writing over the last six months. Having a writing job on the resume could help me in the future. It looks like the work might be fairly diverse from day to day, which is very important to me.

The big question is about the work environment. I've heard some scuttlebutt that the VP is difficult to work with, but how much would that affect me?

So I'm going to the interview, trying to learn a little more, see how I feel. Maybe this is the chance I've been waiting for. But maybe not.

Diverse city

One of the most exciting parts of vising a big city and attending a cultural festival was the abundance of diversity. We saw African-American families and Indian families. Performers from throughout Central and South America displayed every possible skin color. On the subway, there were Asian students. But that's one of the main reasons to visit a city, to get out of our predominantly white area.

Even more surprising, though, were the number of transracial adoptive families we saw. Starting on the subway on the way there, where a family of two women (friends, I think) with four children befriended us. The children were a biracial boy of about 10 or 11, and three younger blonde girls. He immediately started engaging Baby E, trying to play with him. He was a beautiful boy, with skin the same color as Baby E's, and tiny little curls close shorn under his baseball cap. He asked Papa D: "Are you his dad?" "Yes," we said. "Are you his mom?" he asked me. "Yes," we said. I added, "We adopted him." That opened the door. He asked how long we had him, and I said since birth. He explained, "My mom and dad adopted me at birth." When Baby E was holding onto his finger, I said, "You're almost exactly the same color." He answered, "When it's hot, I get black. When it's cold, I get white." An interesting take on climate and racial identity.

At the festival, everywhere we turned there were adoptive parents with their children of other races. It was so exciting and empowering. I know that Baby E wasn't getting much out of it, but someday he will.

What he was getting was lots of attention from people of color. From the toddler girl who was drawn to him on the dance floor ("baby" she kept saying) to the mother on the subway who played peek-a-boo with him, he charmed them all. I had to remind myself that he doesn't know he has a color yet, but then I realized that the other people do, especially the adults. They were responding to him and interacting with him.

I don't know whether that will continue as he grows older, but it is a very compelling reason to continue to visit the city as often as we can.