Crucible

One of the big benefits of practicing the Dance of Shiva is the “hot, buttered epiphanies” that it brings into your life. While I am having huge effects from the Dance on my mental clarity, I’ve only had one “realization,” but I thought I’d share with you the kinds of thoughts I’ve been having this week. Perhaps you, dear reader, can say how much you think they are influenced by my new practice.

While meditating, I had this concept come to me that to solve problems you need periods of intense focus on the issue, followed by rest (during which the resolution usually comes to you). (As a note, this line of thinking seems inspired by the recent New York Times article on "Depression's Upside.") I thought about this cycle of intensity then recovery as an important component of mental health (rest all the time = depression, activity all the time = mania) and physical health (need exercize to activate our bodies, sleep to integrate our experiences).  People tend to get stuck into either groove. I’m usually too sedentary physically and overactive mentally.

Then I thought of how our hearts pump then rest, pump then rest, and I began to see that this is the entire cycle of homeostasis that runs our bodies, our ecosystems, and the universe. It's like all of life is pulsing to this rhythm.

As I mulled on this, I reframed the intensity/action phase as challenge. One of the things I really struggle with in my life is the need to be challenged (which might explain why I jumped into Shiva Nata with little more than a how-dee-do), especially in my career, but I also LOVE to be a lazy, bump on a log. I can never figure out how to balance these two qualities when seeking out jobs. They always either look too daunting or too boring.

Interestingly, this issue of boring vs. impossible is exactly what I am dealing with in my Shiva Nata practice right now. I’ve found an approach that I think can balance the two – alternating days of long, easy practice with days of short, difficult practice – but how can I translate that to my worklife?

I've noticed this pattern with my son, he loves being challenged by new things, and I have an instinct to keep accelerating him so he can be constantly stimulated. But that's not really healthy, it's a part of the normal cycle of growth to be challenged by novelty and stimulation, then to take some relaxation time getting used to them, incorporating those lessons, until it's just too slow and boring, then start up again looking for new challenges.

As I reflected on it, helped along by sitting in the gorgeous sun of a cafe patio on the first true day of spring, I realize that this is the basic message of pagan theology and the wheel of the year. That life is a cycle of birth-life-death-rebirth, and that all of us need a winter for repose, before embarking on the intensity of another growing season.

The next day, up popped this blogpost on my Google reader. A kindly doctor told one of the Rookie Moms that every baby needs to go from zero (resting) to 10 (bawling) every day. She extended the idea to children, and it made me think that maybe all of us - adults too - need to go from zero to 10, from rest to intensity, every day.

Now the interesting question is what a 10 looks like for an adult. It's not really sensible to say that adults should have sobbing emotional breakdowns every day. So instead, I'm just thinking of a 10 in the context of pushing oneself - physically, mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes it is good to have regular outlets for emotional release, like a weekly therapy session, where you cry but it helps you feel better because you're letting it out.

A few years ago (actually many years ago – the movie I reference will date this to 2002), I made a resolution that I would force myself to watch sad movies, even though I didn't want to. I'm very sensitive, so lots of movies upset me, but I realized that if I didn't stretch myself, I would become one of those middle-aged ladies who made "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" the movie of the year. If I narrow my experience to just the most moderate parts of life, then I become bored...and boring.

The thing is that emotional stability was hard-won after years and years of wild swings of feeling, but it did start to feel constrictive. Some emotional lability is a good thing, and it's important to allow ourselves a little bit of swinging on a regular basis.

Still what's a 10? Is it a normal, day-to-day kind of emotional outpouring, or is it a once-in-a-decade, traumatic meltdown? The difference between the babies described by the doctor and adults is that children don't have the perspective, so the former feels like the latter to them. So you have to help them just move through it and learn that they can recover. After they've gone through that cycle of need-tension-release-recovery about 10,000 times, they start to trust that they can safely express their feelings without the world crashing in around them.

One reason to parent children is that they actually help you learn these lessons at the same time that they learn them. While you want to avoid being down in the infantile muck with them all the time, you just can't help that it does happen. And you find a way out, and it helps you be a better person.

Some small percentage of babies are really challenging, they have colic or what not. But most babies are actually quite easy to soothe. They have pretty manageable needs (diaper, food, sleep, cuddling), and in a way, you learn how natural it is to move through the cycle of need-tension-release-recovery with them. Over time, you learn that, when they cry, it isn't the end of the world.

Now, I am not going to lie to you, during the first few weeks, you don't want your baby to cry even a tiny bit. Well, they’re so small, and crying take SO much out of them. But slowly over time, you get used to the sound of it, you get used to how to respond to it, you learn to live with it. Most fundamentally, you learn that sometimes this other person that you love more than anything is in distress and there is No. Thing. you can do, but be there with him and help him move through the experience. Because, right, the reality is that babies cry. All. The. Time.

Baby E is a daring toddler, he is all over the place, exploring and challenging himself, and a lot of that involves bumps and falls. He had a big, old blue bruise in the middle of his forehead for the entire month of February.

What can I do when he falls (or touches something hot or closes his finger in a cabinet drawer or or or any of the million other ways he has learned a lesson about the world he has incarnated into)? I can't say "it's okay." That's a lie. It's not okay, he's in pain, and it's denying his experience.

On the other hand, I don't want to rush in, make a big production, give a HUGE amount of attention to the situation – that makes the baby afraid that something really is WRONG.

What is most true is to say "That hurt!", give a hug and a kiss, and then directing his attention to something more interesting than the now-receding pain. (So that's kind of how I try to treat myself these days: own the emotion, name it, soothe it, then distract myself.)

All this got me thinking about the concept of catharsis. To me, this word meant a healthy release of strong emotions, but I thought to consult Wikipedia, and I was fascinated by the fact that it's historically tied to the theatre, similar to the ideas about movies that I have.

Catharsis (Ancient Greek: Κάθαρσις) is a Greek word meaning "cleansing", "purging". It is derived from the infinitive verb of Ancient Greek: καθαίρειν transliterated as kathairein "to purify, purge," and adjective Ancient Greek: καθαρός katharos "pure or clean."


Catharsis is the emotional cleansing of the audience and/or characters in the play. In relation to drama it is an extreme change in emotion resulting from strong feelings of sorrow, fear, pity, or laughter; this result has been described as a purification or a purging of such emotions (whether those of the characters in the play or of the audience).[1] More recently such terms as restoration, renewal, and revitalization have been used in relation to the effect on members of the audience.


Using the term "catharsis" to refer to the emotions was first done by the Greek philosopher Aristotle in his work Poetics. It refers to the sensation, or literary effect, that would ideally overcome either the characters in a play, or an audience upon finishing watching a tragedy (a release of pent-up emotion or energy). In his previous works, he used the term in its medical sense (usually referring to the evacuation of the "katamenia", the menstrual fluid or other reproductive material).


Catharsis before the sixth-century rise of tragedy is, for the Western World, essentially a historical footnote to the Aristotelian conception. The practice of purification did not yet appear in Homer, as later Greek commentators noted:[5] the Aithiopis, an epic in the Trojan War cycle, narrates the purification of Achilles after his murder of Thersites. Catharsis describes the result of means taken to cleanse away blood-guilt--"blood is purified through blood" (Burkert 1992:56) a process in the development of Hellenic culture in which the oracle of Delphi took a prominent role. The classic example, of Orestes, belongs to tragedy, but the procedure given by Aeschylus is ancient: the blood of a sacrificed piglet is allowed to wash over the blood-polluted man, and running water washes away the blood.[6] The identical ritual is represented, Burkert informs us (1992:57) on a krater found at Canicattini, to cure the daughters of Proetus of their madness, caused by some ritual transgression. To the question of whether the ritual procures atonement or just healing, Burkert answers: "To raise the question is to see the irrelevance of this distinction."


The term catharsis has also been adopted by modern psychotherapy, particularly Freudian psychoanalysis, to describe the act of expressing, or more accurately, experiencing the deep emotions oftenassociated with events in the individual's past which had originally been repressed or ignored, and had never been adequately addressed or experienced.

Ooh, there is a lot of exciting stuff in there! Menstrual blood! Sacrifice! Purification!

You get the idea that catharsis is a transformation – from tension to intensity to freedom. Like winter to spring, it takes you from frozen to fresh start. I imagine the intensity of emotion or exercize or difficult mental work to be a cauldron or crucible, in which things are heated to purify them. It is a way to release the dross while retaining the valuable lessons, a way to strengthen mind, body and heart.

So I guess I'm thinking that “going to 10” – emotionally, physically, and mentally - might mean something more akin to a catharsis, where you feel better and clearer afterward. And maybe it doesn’t have to happen every day, but I should build these rhythms of profound rest and intense purification into my daily, weekly, monthly and annual schedules.

Breadcrumbs

When I question whether this is the right career for me, I sometimes look back on my life and it's striking how I seem to be preparing for this job my whole life.  I mean, it certainly never seemed clear to me through high school and college.  I felt like I was flying blind on my first professional job search, "Marketing and public relations, that sounds good, I'm a people person."  And it turned out I was incredibly well-suited for it, a fact that I was clueless about but my mentors saw clearly.

Looking through the papers I inherited from my mother, I found some evidence of the groundwork laid for this career:

• My first publication, a newsletter for my junior high school
• A journal from my eighth-grade internship with a "advertising agent."  Actually, she seemed to be a work-at-home, freelance creative director.

In ninth grade and again in the 11th grade, I wrote for the school paper.

The thing that is a bit questionable about this line of thinking is that I don't believe there is ONE right career (just like I've said I don't believe in One True Love or One Perfect Baby).  There are a number of possible options that can match your abilities and skills. Take a look at this list of possible careers for ENFJ.  Of those, my current career has encompassed: Writer, event coordinator, manager, and consultant.  It was actually my first mentors who had me Myers-Briggs tested, and it really helped my sense that it was a good career path.

But when I think about exploring other options, I consider careers in psychology, social work, clergy, and teaching - all good fits for my personality and character.

Another fun thing from my mom's records is a report card from my fifth-grade teacher:

"K is a bright, articulate and energetic person.  Unfortunately she does not apply herself to her school work with consistent effort that reflects her abilities. If the tasks can be completed without too much of an expenditure of energy, she will do a good job.  She resists having to really work at solving a problem or completing a task."

I think pretty much every teacher from high school and college - and every boss - would say these exact same words about me.   This one doesn't include the comment that was on most of my early report cards: "K needs to stop talking to her classmates."

I'd still pretty much rather just play and hang out with friends than work.  Like I said, I'm a people person.

Developments

Last week, I accepted a full-time job with my Big Client, which will start on July 1.  This is a move away from freelancing, but we're happy about that.  This position will give me economic stability, plus retirement benefits, and I'll be working from home several days a week, with a flexible schedule.  The boss and coworkers are super lovely people, the organization is very functional, and they're really financially sound (hiring up during the recession!). It has all the elements of a dream job, and I am optimistic that this could be a long-term solution for our family.

Living dream

Have I told y’all how much I love my job? I really feel like I’m LIVING THE DREAM. Working from home and setting my own schedule are totally wonderful for me. I sometimes hear from others that they wouldn’t want to work for themselves, but I think I’ve wanted this for a decade. The interest got more intense four years ago, when we moved to Small Town USA. And now I feel so fulfilled.

It’s not challenge-free – I’m very anxious about funds, about keeping clients happy, about marketing my services, and about maintaining my self-discipline. But I love the challenges, I feel capable of meeting them and it is energizing for me to set my skills against this situation.

I feel strongly that this is what I am meant to be doing now. Deep inside, I know that God(dess) made this happen for me. It seems clear to me that the bad job and the layoff were laying the groundwork for me to be willing to make this huge step in my career – a step I wasn’t willing or able to make at previous points in my life. It’s also obvious to me that I was given wonderful opportunities that made this possible.

This experience has made me feel that God(dess) has a plan for me, for our family. And I am reconsidering our whole adoption experience. While I haven’t seen any clear signs that Baby E was meant to be in our family, it seems clear that there is synchronicity at work. Every aspect of our match, placement, and ongoing relationship with E’s birthfamily has been smooth sailing – and honestly exceeded our wildest dreams.

There is certainly no question that E is the most wonderful baby in the world and that we couldn’t be happier with him. I believe that someday, as we learn more about his personality and his path in life, we will learn why we were chosen for him.

Sorry!

I started this post two weeks ago, but then got busy preparing for vacation. We were gone all last week visiting my family, and now I'm in the midst of a busy week at work (more on that later!).

Here's the news from church:

The Pastor's last Sunday was upbeat and fast-paced. A number of visitors came to see him off and speak their thanks to him. There's a fair amount of variation in attendees from week to week, I have noticed. In the four weeks I have attended, it seems approximately half of the faces are new. And, interesting to me, there is a church member who keeps attendance in a log. I'm not sure I've ever seen that at a church before. Is this common?

The big news is that the new pastor is a woman! I'm very interested to see how this affects the dynamic of the service. I had been kind of grooving on the male pastor, but hadn't yet formulated any real thoughts on the matter. I wondered how a male pastor and a "male" god were going to affect my sense of spirituality. The outgoing pastor really fulfilled my stereotype of a "black preacher," so I'm very curious to see what the woman is like.

In career news, it is a banner week. I've started a consulting contract that means I can start my own business and be my own boss. (I've also got another client, and more prospective gigs that I am cultivating.) I'll be working from home, which will give me much more time for my family and my hobbies.

I feel like I'm living my dream - I'm so energized about my career again. Everything is exciting, from the commute to the new gig to buying paperclips. I'm especially enjoying planning my home office, which we've decided to locate in the "four-seasons" room just off our kitchen. It gets lots of sun, but most importantly has a separate heating system to keep bills lower in winter.

News

Last Thursday, I was laid off.

It's hard for me to believe that God has a plan in all of this.

But I do believe that the Goddess will get me through these hard times.

One more shot

About a month ago, I hatched a plan for a new career.

At the time, I had gone six months without even a single job to apply to. This is unheard of for me. I've never had a problem applying for jobs or getting jobs. After all, I am the woman who got a job in six weeks after being laid off last year.

When I came up with my plan, I was seriously dejected about the prospects for any change in my job, and I realized I had to start thinking of new options.

My criteria were as follows:
- I need a job close to home, in my county. I can't hack the 40- to 60-minute commutes to the larger cities nearby. I need to have that time for my family and home life.
- I need generous vacation time. And I mean generous. I'd love to live the European life, with the month of August off. Plus it's really annoying to live with Papa D and his academic schedule and not be able to take advantage of the flexibility that it gives our family.
- I need to earn at least $50,000 a year. This is the cut-off to be able to continue to pay the mortgage, daycare, and have a vacation.

I had been considering going back to school for a social work degree - I'm very drawn to adoption work - but the salary scale is so low that it seemed unfeasible. It starts in the 30s and ends in the 30s. Even with 20 years experience, you don't make more money. This finding from the internet was validated when I saw local job ads offering $25 an hour to master's-level social workers.

I was poking around for alternatives to social work, and I somehow stumbled upon school psychology. School psychologists work for school districts, providing evaluations of students and consulting to teachers. The advantage of this career is that I would get to work with children, especially the special needs children that I am so concerned about. The work is about 50 percent writing, which I don't anticipate having any problems with, and people skills are the key thing to bring to the job. You interact with lots of different kinds of people, and what you do changes from day to day. And, bingo, you work 200 days a year - that means Christmas, Easter, and two months of summer off.

To work as a school psychologist would require me to go back for a master's degree, but there is an affordable program, designed for people who work, about 1 hour from my house (and my job). I would have to keep working part-time, so the program might take me four to five years instead of the usual three.

I was excited about the prospect of going back to school, and I was excited about the idea of the career. I was first Myers-Briggs typed about 12 years ago, and I learned that my type - ENFJ - is well suited to both public relations (like I have been doing for 15 years) and the helping professions.

The only downside is that it will take a while - like 10 years - to get up to the $50,000 a year salary mark (but the salary does increase every year, over time). Maybe I could rationalize that we won't take the financial hit until after No-Longer-a-Baby E will be in elementary school, and we won't have daycare costs.

As these other job opportunities have arisen...and fallen back (I have had no word from the Big City Agency and I have low hopes for the job I am interviewing for tomorrow), I'm not sure how I feel about the school psychology option. The initial enthusiasm has waned, and now I have to make some decisions. Should I continue to pursue this new career? Should I try to find a way to make my current career work?

I'm nearing 40 years old, and my decision will impact the next 20 years (or longer, with the way things are going nowadays). I haven't been happy in my current career for 10 years, despite many variations of duties and organizations. Perhaps I should start admitting that the problem may be with the career itself, not the jobs.

But, to be fair, I guess I have to give another job a try first. One last try in this career, before giving it up.

At least I have some direction to go. Papa D was more enthusiastic about my working remotely for the Big City Agency than he has been about any of my other schemes. So that's the route I need to take, approaching agencies that are hiring and suggesting a telecommuting arrangement. Eventually, when the economy improves, I could even go to my current employer and suggest telecommuting.

A ray of hope?

I have a job interview scheduled for Thursday morning. Not with any of the opportunities I've already written about, but with a new organization. It's a job I found and applied to immediately on Thursday morning. Within three hours, I had a call from the HR department asking for an interview this week.

So it's easily meeting my standard for synchronicity. I mean, that's a mind-boggling pace for an academic institution. But I'm not really that excited. If anything, my emotions are ranging from dull to dread.

At first, I was excited about the prospect of an interview, any interview and another job, any job. But as I've thought through this particular job and discussed it with Papa D, it seems like it won't be a good move.

It has good benefits (including incredible vacation/holiday schedule), but a serious drop in salary. It is either a similar commute time or longer (will test this on Thursday). Those tradeoffs could be manageable, if the job and work environment would be an improvement. But those are two big IFs.

I have no idea what kind of job will make me happier. This is a writing job, and I have enjoyed writing over the last six months. Having a writing job on the resume could help me in the future. It looks like the work might be fairly diverse from day to day, which is very important to me.

The big question is about the work environment. I've heard some scuttlebutt that the VP is difficult to work with, but how much would that affect me?

So I'm going to the interview, trying to learn a little more, see how I feel. Maybe this is the chance I've been waiting for. But maybe not.

Working ideas

The issue that I sort of glossed over yesterday is whether I should even be seeking fulfillment in my career. This is a question I have wrestled with long and hard.

There are several lenses through which to look at this:

The first is generational.

Women of the baby boom fought for the right to work. They saw it as a way to fulfill themselves, and they were able to pursue careers that were meaningful to them. I was thinking recently of my mother-in-law, who has worked for 40 years as a social worker. Even though she's of an age to retire, she doesn't because she still gets so much out of it. Now, I was recently thinking about going to social work school, and I researched social work salaries. With a master's degree, you still only earn $30,000 or so a year! And that's in today's dollars. My mother-in-law had the luxury to work at a career that she loved, because her salary wasn't needed at home.

For us Generation X women, we always knew we would work. And we have a lot less freedom because our salaries are now necessary. I think this is the crux of the generational divide, which erupts over the opt-out choices of many women. The feminists think they fought our freedom, but to us it feels like a burden they dumped on us. I and my friends strive to think of work "like a man" - it's something you have to do, so buck up and be proud of providing for your family.

If you have to work, another factor in your view of it is socioeconomic class.

My mother, who was raised middle-class, with a father in the Navy and an artist-teacher mother, believed that a career should be primarily an intellectual pursuit. She got into but didn't finish an experimental college. After doing the 60s and having children, she eventually settled into a career as a legal secretary. She admired intelligence immensely. Growing up, she wished for me to become a immunologist or a linguist. She was instrumental in my attending - and graduating from - an East Coast liberal arts college and unstintingly supportive of my professional career.

My father's family was working class, his parents a Merchant Marine and a housekeeper. After an miserable stint in the Marines, he spent several years "dropping out" then had children. He eventually attended culinary school, tried working in hotel kitchens, but quickly moved over to the management side. He was skeptical of my attending a fancy college and thought I should go to "the school of hard knocks." He seems actively opposed to the idea that work should be meaningful. You do it, you get a paycheck, and you spend your free time avoiding thinking about work.

For the first seven years of my career, I was enjoying myself so much, learning so much and advancing so quickly under the tutelage of two amazing women mentors, that I didn't have time to worry about these kind of issues. I was happy to be earning a decent, regular paycheck (when so many of my generation were "slackers").

Then I started looking around for other opportunities, still believing that my career would continue to be as fulfilling. But then things went downhill. The organizations I worked at were dysfunctional, and the work was boring. I've been flailing around ever since.

When we were in The Big City, I think life in general was so hard that it overshadowed my career issues. So I was more focused on pulling my life together. We moved, to a beautiful, large dream house with a backyard I could garden in. We learned we love small-town life. Eventually, we had a precious son.

Once I felt more settled and happy with life, the suck of my career loomed large. It doesn't help that I had a traumatic layoff, followed by what I believe is the most toxic office environment I've ever worked in.

I've tried to "man up" and accept that fulfillment doesn't have to come from my career. That I can be happy in the rest of my life and accept a ho-hum job (not that this job is ho-hum, this job SUCKS and it's only the economy keeping me in it). Basically, I'm viewing my work like a working-class man, like my dad. Who really is NOT the role model I would choose for my career.

In the last few weeks - since attending church, trying to reconnect with the Goddess, starting this blog, contemplating my navel as it were, I've really been feeling a shift. I'm back to believing that - even if I don't succeed - I have to at least TRY to find a satisfying, meaningful career path.

Working Women of Yesteryear

Running on empty

As I'm waiting to hear from this new job possibility (yes, still waiting), I am thinking a lot about how to know if it's the right move to make. How can I know what the company is really like? Will the telecommuting arrangement really be an improvement? Most importantly, I want to feel like I am going the right direction in my life, on the path the God/dess wants for me.

One way I've always believed you can know you are on the right path is synchronicity. When all the factors align, you feel like everything is easy and right. That's how I know I'm heading in the right direction.

One way that I am really questioning is the concept of fulfillment. Is the feeling of fulfillment the same as fulfilling one's purpose? The former seems to me to be self-focused, while the latter is soul-centered? But doesn't the God/dess want me to be happy? How else can I know that I am doing her will than a feeling of contentment?

I certainly don't feel fulfilled by my work (is it the career or the job, that's the million dollar question), and the roots of this discontent started a decade ago. I've had dozens of theories over the years of what the problem is (poor management, lack of advancement possibilities, cause I'm not interested in, and now dysfunctional workplace), but as I've attempted to rectify each job's shortcomings, I feel like I am digging myself deeper into this mess.

Because becoming a mother happened so recently, I know that Baby E fulfills me. My heart is overflowing with love for him and happiness that he is in my life. However, when he turned six-month-old, I started feeling the yearning again...for another child, many children. Papa D thinks I'm crazy, but I want to have 8 children, all different ages and races. I really want to adopt a teenage daughter from the U.S. foster care system...and a sibling set from Haiti. These days I'm particularly obsessed with children with special needs, such as cleft lip/palate, limb differences, and ambiguous genitalia, from China and India. So I am fulfilled by Baby E, but not totally. Is there such a thing as partial fulfillment? Can part of your heart be totally fulfilled and part be empty?

My relationship with Papa D has completely fulfilled me. He filled a hole in my heart that I walked with for most of my life. I could finally quit searching and start living. All of a sudden I had more energy for other parts of life. When we were married, I imagined that together we were a stronger force for good. We could channel our energy to our communities, instead of ourselves. I'm not sure how much of that vision has come true (we're still pretty self-centered), but I do know that 10 years later, I have no interest in any other man (or woman for that matter).

In marriage and motherhood, I must say that fulfillment seems to be an indication of rightness, of blessing by the God/dess. So it seems I need to continue to seek fulfillment in my work.

What's interesting to me about this is the dichotomy between emptiness and fullness. Six years ago, I took the magical name Calix, the latin word for chalice, to represent my openness to the Goddess's blessings. I was hoping to become a mother, and the chalice symbolized my womb (and heart) ready to be filled. I pictured a goblet spilling over with a clear water to imagine the love and energy that would shower upon me. At that time, my life felt cluttered and busy, and emptiness was a good thing. I wanted to clear a space - in my life, in my heart - for the Goddess to fill with a child. Now, I'm experiencing the other side of this emptiness, the longing for something more.

Since I no longer want to be empty, I think it may be time to change my magical name. I'd like something that represents my feeling of being blessed. There's always Grace, but I recoil from the trendiness. Apparently Winifred means holy, blessed reconciliation and joy and peace. Ardith is traditionally given to a baby as a blessing. Neither is really doing it for me.

I really like Beata, and it keeps in the Roman tradition of my Matron Goddess, Juno.
I'm drawn to Baraka (like the President) or Beracha, but I don't have any particular connection with Islam, and my Jewish connections aren't strong enough to warrant taking a Hebrew name. Though, perhaps, if I am being drawn towards Christianity, a Hebrew name would be appropriate.

As I contemplated this, it eventually dawned on me that my real name actually means something similar to blessed. In Sanskrit, it means "all auspicious." I understand that this means something more like "good fortune surrounds me" or "luck follows me" than that good things happen to me. But perhaps I should consider the radical thought of integrating my magical and mundane names...whoa!

The Chalice Well and Gardens at Glastonbury, England

The cover of the Chalice Well, showing the vesica piscis, a sacred geometrical symbol representing the union of spirit and matter

Lots of excitement

Yesterday, out of the blue, a possible job opportunity came up. It's not a sure thing, but I have a good feeling about it. It's in my current career, but at a different company. The company is actually located in The City (about 3 hours away), so I'm proposing to work at home four days a week. Telecommuting could be a great option for me - lack of commute means more time for Baby E and life, but it has the stability of a J-O-B.

The opening actually came to me through a woman I helped with her resume a few years back. So chalk one up for networking. She's able to give me the behind-the-scenes scoop, and it sounds good. They offer generous vacation and holiday schedules, along with summer Fridays.

There are a couple of "signs" that give me a good vibe about it. First, the woman has the same unusual spelling of her name as my first boss and mentor. Second, the name of the company happened to come up in my book yesterday before I heard from her. Lastly, I just have that excited feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like it's a good move. Of course, I haven't met the bosses or negotiated anything, but I like to follow my gut (that's where the Goddess lives, right?). As a cherry on top, Papa D was enthusiastic and supportive, which makes me think the scheme isn't as hare-brained as my usual ideas.

This morning, I had coffee with someone who works in the different career that I am considering. This new career would require me to go back to school for a master's degree, followed by a one-year internship. I'm excited both about the prospect of school and about the career afterward. It would involve working with kids and offer the schedule of a school teacher. My breakfast did nothing to deter my interest. The man, who has worked in the field for 20 years, was very encouraging, making his job seem rewarding and manageable.

So, not to get ahead of myself but I realize I may have a little dilemma about whether I still want to pursue this new career if I have a new job, how the telecommuting might work with being in school, and a lot of other questions. It comes down to needing to decide which path is right - the one I've been on or a new one.

To top it all off, I've also applied for a part-time job with a local nonprofit organization. The idea would be that the job would serve as a "foundation" client for my freelance business. Again, the benefits of working from home, with more flexibility if I am my own boss. I'm concerned that they are looking for someone with less experience and less salary, but it seemed worth the effort to apply.

Well, there's no reason to borrow worry from the future, so I'll just keep meditating, keep listening to the little voice inside, and make a decision when the time comes.

Good things

The phrase "all good things come from God" was rattling around my head the other day. I think it's something they say at St. Paul's. I translated it, as I do with almost everything at St. Paul's, into my words: "all good things come from the Goddess." Well, of course they do. That seems obvious. Everything comes from the Goddess. In Wicca however, we believe that she particularly wants us to enjoy the good things in life.

I immediately thought of a phrase from the Charge of the Goddess: "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals." This piece is widely used as a sort of "textual" basis for pagan theology. Here is a version from Reclaiming, written by Doreen Valiente and adapted by Starhawk:

Listen to the words of the Great Mother, Who of old was called Artemis, Astarte, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Diana, Arionrhod, Brigid, and by many other names:

Whenever you have need of anything, once a month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise.

You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites.

Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth.

For My law is love is unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the holy grail of immortality.

I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before.

Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the Mother of all things and My love is poured out upon the earth.

Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:

I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters,

I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me.

For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe.

From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return.

Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.

As I mulled this over, I realized that the opposite is true too...of course. If all things are from the Goddess, then this difficult experience is from her too. At which point, I had to question "Why?"

Why would God want me to have this experience? What am I meant to learn from it?

My first thought, which became so consuming I had a hard time thinking of others, was that I was meant to realize that this is no longer the career for me. Perhaps the Universe put me into a job that I would hate so much that I would finally leave professional communications. And, by the way, there's no question that I was meant to take this job. I had found this firm just before taking my previous job, thought about them repeatedly over the year and half, and when I was suddenly laid off, they were my very first thought. I sent them a letter, just over the transom, and within 6 weeks was starting here with a $10,000 pay raise. I would say it was all a terrible mistake, but there are no mistakes.

The thing is that this line of thinking is particularly convenient, as a way to justify the career change I want to make, so I distrust it a little bit. I really wracked my brains trying to think of other messages I could be receiving from this situation:

- When I first started this job, it was absolutely clear that the move back to consulting was a good one. I really enjoy the variety and novelty of working with different clients. I love being able to do three or four different kinds of projects in a day. Maybe that was the key lesson, and all the rest of this is "gravy" telling me to move on.

- What would I move on to? Another crazy agency? For a while, it felt very clear that I need to work for myself. I could work from home, set my own hours, work on projects that I choose, and generally avoid the fallout of others' dysfunction. I had even convinced myself that the Great Recession was the perfect time to start a business - people aren't hiring staff or full-scale agencies, but still need their communications work done on the cheap. For now, there's just no way to make this a reality. I'd need at least one, if not two, steady, substantial clients - and there are none on the horizons. I've also been cluing in to the downsides of being your own boss: the constant pressure to be working and hustling new clients.

- Maybe I'm meant to go back to the non-profit route, becoming an Executive Director of an organization whose cause I believe in. Maybe. But they're not lining up at the door for me.

It's just not clear yet and probably won't be until more of the story has unfolded. For now, I know that the next step on my path will meet me when I get there, and that the Goddess wants me to enjoy the journey!

Waiting lessons

Until a week ago, I felt that my job situation was in my hands, and I had to DO something about it. This led to a great deal of purposeless fretting and activity. It would have been one thing if I had been able to spend my time applying to jobs, but there are no jobs to apply for. News flash: it's a recession. So, instead of actual productive work towards my goal of a new job, I've been caught in this whirlwind. I've spent a lot of time obsessing over what I could do to change the situation. Could we move? Could I change my career?

Now that I am thinking this is in God's hands, I feel as if there is nothing to do but wait. For the path to become clear, for the opportunity to arise. And it reminds me of the other times in my life I waited -- and the lessons I learned from them.

Most recently, we had a arduous year waiting for our adoption process (preceded by a year of trying to decide how to become parents and years of waiting to be ready to parent). It wasn't a long wait, as much as a rocky one. There were disappointments along the way, then a period that seemed very bleak, when nothing was happening (much like now). We struggled to find a way to cope. I eventually resolved to Count My Blessings, to focus on what I have in my life not on what was missing. And of course, in the end, we are so profoundly fortunate for the opportunity to parent the most amazing kid. We have a great relationship with his birthfamily, and we were able to be in the room when he was born. All worked out for the best - thank you, Goddess.

For the majority of my life, I was waiting to find my life partner. From 15 on, I knew I wanted to be paired, had lots of long-term relationships, but despaired of ever finding the right one. After a series of rocky breakups, I finally took a time out, gave myself six months to just be myself. When I got back in the game, I met Papa D, and we've been happily together for 10 years.

I learned several things from this experience. First, the best way to create your own future to live your life. This seems an important lesson now and definitely goes along with the Count Your Blessings approach. Second, you have to make yourself right in order to attract the best outcomes to you. It's less clear to me how this applies to work than love. Lastly, you do have to be active in your search. I didn't just meet Papa D by sitting at home, and I'm not going to get a job by doing nothing either. But it's more of an openness to opportunities than the fruitless searching.

What can I do now to get through this waiting period?

- Pray for peace and patience, for understanding of my path, for knowing the right thing when it comes
- Live life and focus on what I have
- Get busy by volunteering and learning new things
- Be grateful

Saying Yes

Sunday was another bright, warm morning, and I was able to start grounding on my walk to the church. I realized that last week I was so nervous, I couldn't do anything of the sort. It was so nice to walk up the steps and open the door, knowing some idea of what to expect.

It was a very different service, however. The pastor was in attendance, having been reassigned to the church for another year, and he brought a great deal of energy, along with a sense of majesty, to the proceedings. He spoke about being BACK, how as recently as Friday he was considering tendering his resignation, how there were going to be changes, how the gossip and the negativity were going to end. All very fascinating - how can there be this much drama with only 15 people in the church?

While I am curious about the political issues, I didn't let them distract me from my real goal: finding a connection with the divine again. I listened to the songs and readings, but what spoke to me most was the sermon. Titled "Are We Ready?" it focused on how we get in the way between ourselves and God. The pastor focused his remarks on this passage:

Isaiah 51

¹Hearken to me, ye that follow after righteousness, ye that seek the LORD: look unto the rock whence ye are hewn, and to the hole of the pit whence ye are digged.

²Look unto Abraham your father, and unto Sarah that bare you: for I called him alone, and blessed him, and increased him.

³For the LORD shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.

⁴Hearken unto me, my people; and give ear unto me, O my nation: for a law shall proceed from me, and I will make my judgment to rest for a light of the people.

⁵My righteousness is near; my salvation is gone forth, and mine arms shall judge the people; the isles shall wait upon me, and on mine arm shall they trust.

⁶Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look upon the earth beneath: for the heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner: but my salvation shall be for ever, and my righteousness shall not be abolished.

I particularly like the reference to Abraham and Sarah, who I have been thinking about in the last week. They are often cited in theological considerations of infertility, having waited for decades for children. They are often described as barren, like the desert in this passage.

I felt there was a lesson for me in my current situation of waiting. For a decade, my worklife has slowly become a desert - losing its meaning and rewards along the way. The promise is of fruitfulness, joy, and thanksgiving in exactly this place.

The pastor asked "Are you ready?" Yesterday, I wanted to say yes but hesitated. Today, if the question is whether I am ready for a change, ready to find that trickle of water bubbling up in this wasteland of work, ready to look forward to a Monday morning - the answer is Yes, I Am Ready!

Will or won't

It was an interesting day to visit the church, because the pastors were gone at the annual conference. So it was an informal service, led by the singer.

It turns out that the congregation was waiting to hear if they would have the same or a new pastor for the coming year. The main prayer was focused on this issue, and the prayer leader exhorted us to trust that whatever happened would be God's will. Whether there was change or not, it would all be in God's plan.

At the time, I was taking this at face value. It all sounded fine, but I didn't see any relevance to me. Then, the next day, it clicked for me.

For the last six months, I have been very attached to the need for a change in my life. Even with all the blessings that I listed before, I have a job that I can't stand and an hour-long commute each way. Since December, I've been combing the (meager) job ads, considering how far I would be willing to commute, agonizing over what kind of a career choice I should be pursuing, and generally working myself into a tizzy. I've had that familiar feeling of being at the center of a confusing vortex with no ground to stand on.

The dissatisfaction with my daily work - and more importantly, the lack of foreseeable prospect for a resolution - has started to weigh heavily on me. It was harder to feel appreciative of all the good things in my life. At dinner, my husband would ask what was wrong, and after months of answering nothing, I finally just tried to explain that there is nothing wrong except having a job that sucks.

On Monday, as soon as I realized that I needed to be able to trust God, whether there is a change in my life or not, I felt relief. It is so comforting to feel as if I don't have the burden of making all the decisions, figuring out all of the plans.

Of course, it raises other questions: How will I know what is God's will and what is my will? How active should I be in manifesting God's purpose for me?