Will or won't

It was an interesting day to visit the church, because the pastors were gone at the annual conference. So it was an informal service, led by the singer.

It turns out that the congregation was waiting to hear if they would have the same or a new pastor for the coming year. The main prayer was focused on this issue, and the prayer leader exhorted us to trust that whatever happened would be God's will. Whether there was change or not, it would all be in God's plan.

At the time, I was taking this at face value. It all sounded fine, but I didn't see any relevance to me. Then, the next day, it clicked for me.

For the last six months, I have been very attached to the need for a change in my life. Even with all the blessings that I listed before, I have a job that I can't stand and an hour-long commute each way. Since December, I've been combing the (meager) job ads, considering how far I would be willing to commute, agonizing over what kind of a career choice I should be pursuing, and generally working myself into a tizzy. I've had that familiar feeling of being at the center of a confusing vortex with no ground to stand on.

The dissatisfaction with my daily work - and more importantly, the lack of foreseeable prospect for a resolution - has started to weigh heavily on me. It was harder to feel appreciative of all the good things in my life. At dinner, my husband would ask what was wrong, and after months of answering nothing, I finally just tried to explain that there is nothing wrong except having a job that sucks.

On Monday, as soon as I realized that I needed to be able to trust God, whether there is a change in my life or not, I felt relief. It is so comforting to feel as if I don't have the burden of making all the decisions, figuring out all of the plans.

Of course, it raises other questions: How will I know what is God's will and what is my will? How active should I be in manifesting God's purpose for me?