Mothers

Up until now, we have let Baby E fall asleep in my arms while drinking a bottle in our den/TV room, where he slept until us parents are ready for bed. Then he spent the night snuggled in the crook of my arm, nursing whenever he woke.

Last week, our whole family started a new "program" - that's what I call the elaborate systems I develop for myself and the baby. We instituted a Bedtime Routine - bath, massage, book, kisses, bottle, nursing to sleep - that takes place upstairs and his Baby E's room. After he falls asleep in my arms in the rocking chair, I wait until he's deeply asleep and put him in the crib. When he wakes at night, one of us goes to him and picks him up. Papa D rocks him and soothes him until he falls back to sleep, I nurse him - then we transfer him back to the crib.

The overall goal of the program is that he learns to fall asleep and stay asleep in his crib, but we are taking it slowly, incrementally. The Bedtime Routine is to help him learn to get relaxed and comfortable for sleep, so that eventually we can do what all the experts recommend and put him in the bed "drowsy but awake." Also, the nighttime pattern will change when he's no longer nursing, but right now I don't want to jeopardize my overall milk supply. I believe that the nighttime nursing is one of the reasons I've been able to have the milk supply I do. At some point, we'll stop nursing at night, stop picking him up, and stop going to him - in that order. I'm sure some crying will be involved, but the goal is to help him develop the resources to avoid "crying it out."

The challenging part of the program is the unpredictable waking at night. I'm exhausted, and it's only been a week. It's definitely a teeth-gritting process, every night. To the point where I kind of dread going to bed a little bit, which for me is Highly Unusual.

The wonderful part of the program is the bedtime routine. While Baby E is a bit of a wriggle-monster, he doesn't fight the routine and generally goes to sleep easily. It's become a sweet time when I get to snuggle my little angel in the rocking chair, in the room we lovingly prepared for him while we waited, listening to lovely lullabies from around the world, and watching the sky darken out his window. If that lovely process were followed by a full night of sleep, I'd be in heaven.

In order for him to transition to the crib easily, I need to hold him for about half an hour. Because I'm in a meditative mood this week, this time has become a much-appreciated break from the hubbub of the day. I've been grounding-and-centering every night. This is a basic Wiccan practice that puts you in touch with earth and sky energies, one that I haven't had to time for in years.

I've been a pagan all my life, in the sense that I was "outside the church," but in 1996 I had a spiritual awakening and embraced the Goddess. Or rather she embraced me. It was like a cloud moved and allowed the Sun to shine on my life, and it stayed that way for almost 9 years. In 2005, the clouds returned and I couldn't feel her presence in my heart and in my life anymore. And so it has been for four years.

It seems somehow linked with losing my mother. It's as if She was in my life to help me deal with that loss, but now I'm an orphan, in both the literal and spiritual sense. Hence my seeking.