Meant to be

I just came across this very interesting blog (in general, check it out), and the three posts about whether adoption is "meant to be."

You know that I've struggled with exactly this issue, and these discussions raise a lot of important questions for me.

Is there a way that we could say that of all the adoptive parents possible, we were meant to be Baby E's, as opposed to he was meant to be our son (and hence the wrong tummy problem)?  This reminds me of the linguistic difference that I make - I don't call Baby E my adopted son, I say I am his adoptive mother.  We don't say he was adopted, we say we adopted him.  I want the focus to be on me and my life, not him.

I do believe in the sanctity of Mama B's choice.  I have absolute faith in her.

Here's the first post, second, and third. Read the comments, they're amazing!

Bearing a load

This morning, our whole family - Papa D, Baby E, and me - went to church together!  It was just like I dream of.  We all got dressed up and walked the half-block to the Unitarian Universalist church.  We were warmly greeted and have acquaintances among the congregation.

The service was a "Celebration of Death and Life," led by a mother/artist (who is a certified leader of Dances of Universal Peace).  The chairs were in a circle around an altar swathed in gold fabric and covered with fall leaves.

The most striking thing about the experience was how comfortable I felt.  The people were are liberal-types like us, the language was all "inclusive."  I don't mind doing "movements" while we sing, or walking up to the altar to add my leaf to the basket in memory of a loss.  It was like being let out of a cage.

On the other hand, the service - while it had a bunch of nice elements - had no power.  It was like going through the motions, so dry.  This is the usual criticism of  UU, and sadly it was the case yesterday.

But it must have been working below the service - I mean it was a service about death, and my mother's loss still smarts, and I've been to three memorial services in the last six months - because by the end, I was moved.  I cried during the final verse of "Lean On Me:"

If there is a load you have to bear

That you can't carry

I'm right up the road

I'll share your load

Mmmmm

I no longer work upstairs in the guest room, we moved my office to the back of the house downstairs.  So Baby E sees me first thing he gets in the house, and no longer does that wonderful running, laughing up the stairs to see me thing.  

So I have a new favorite part of the day.  At about 6am, he wakes up to eat and I bring him into bed to nurse.  We snuggle under the covers, with our arms and legs intertwined, and he sleeps so peacefully (unlike all of the gymnastics he used to do when he slept with us all night).  I love it.  It's perfect.

Good news

I'm happy to say that Baby E picked up right where he left off with nursing.  If anything, he seemed more voracious over the weekend (at least my sensitive sore nipples think so) - trying to make up for lost time?

Kindred spirits

Heather at Production, Not Reproduction blogs about open adoption and multiracial families, and I really appreciate her perspective.  She also hosts the Open Adoption Roundtable, which is an amazing resource.  (Recently she's also been posting vegetarian recipes, so it's like a trifecta!) Imagine my pleasant suprise when she posted about her family attending the local AME Zion church.  It's interesting to me to think about the differences of visiting as a whole family, with her child of color, compared to me, who goes alone as a white woman. Nonetheless, we are walking similar paths, or different paths in the same direction.

Unmerited favor

Even though I only make it there about once a month, I am continuing to feel it is a meaningful experience for me. It keeps me thinking about the African-American experience – historically and in the present-day – and makes me feel more “legitimate” as the mother of a child with African heritage.

I am continually touched by the warm welcome that the members of the congregation give me. It is yet another instance of acceptance that I have recently experienced in my life. I previously wrote about the profound experience of E’s perfect love, but I’ve realized that I didn’t delve deeply enough into the transformative effects of the adoption experience on my self-esteem.

It has been over a year and half since were chosen by E’s birthmother, and I still marvel at it. What did she see in us that would make her think we deserved such a profound gift? I feel so flawed and unworthy. I can’t say enough how amazing she is to us. On Mother’s Day, she wrote to us thanking us for being “the best” parents.

Both her loving treatment of us and E’s perfect love seriously challenge my lack of self-worth. It is giving me the inkling of the possibility that I am not so unworthy after all.

You hear the word bandied about, but I think this might be the meaning of the word GRACE. Wikipedia says that “In Christianity, grace is ‘unmerited favor’ from God (Ephesians 2:8-9).” And that exactly how I feel – as if B’s and E’s favor is unmerited by me.

When you add to this the touching generosity of the members of St. Paul’s AME Zion, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with grace these days.

Asking why

I think I have written previously about the idea that “there is a baby meant for us.” This phrase was shoved by our throats by the Christians surrounding us at our adoption agency, so we really fought it. It’s a case of the message being lost because of the messenger.

This meant that we couldn’t find comfort in the idea of God’s plan during our adoption process. I tried to find meaning during the down periods:

- Why were we matched with a situation only to have the baby be stillborn? The answer I cam e to was that we were meant to help the expectant mother in her time of need, before baby Adam died.

- Why were we used by a mother who never meant to place? It’s hard to find solace from this experience, but it did help me learn more about my mother’s experience during my childhood.

As I reassess the adoption experience with the idea that our long wait and disappointments were a part of our path to E, I think about whether those challenges were destined to happen and how they were an important part of our experience.

If so, that means that in both my path to parenthood and my career path, I’ve had recent experiences with difficult challenges followed by amazing rewards. Is this a typical way that God(dess) works?

Regardless, it is clear to me that God(dess) has been working wonderful things into my life. I feel so fortunate and blessed. I’ve actually become a bit superstitious – while my experience of attending church is a bit ambivalent right now, I’m afraid to stop going because such good things have happened to me while I have been a guest there.

I still don’t know how strongly I am being drawn to the Christian church – even as the new pastor has been urging me to deepen my commitment. A good friend has encourage me to meet with the pastor and explain my path to her, so that she knows where I am coming from.