Unmerited favor

Even though I only make it there about once a month, I am continuing to feel it is a meaningful experience for me. It keeps me thinking about the African-American experience – historically and in the present-day – and makes me feel more “legitimate” as the mother of a child with African heritage.

I am continually touched by the warm welcome that the members of the congregation give me. It is yet another instance of acceptance that I have recently experienced in my life. I previously wrote about the profound experience of E’s perfect love, but I’ve realized that I didn’t delve deeply enough into the transformative effects of the adoption experience on my self-esteem.

It has been over a year and half since were chosen by E’s birthmother, and I still marvel at it. What did she see in us that would make her think we deserved such a profound gift? I feel so flawed and unworthy. I can’t say enough how amazing she is to us. On Mother’s Day, she wrote to us thanking us for being “the best” parents.

Both her loving treatment of us and E’s perfect love seriously challenge my lack of self-worth. It is giving me the inkling of the possibility that I am not so unworthy after all.

You hear the word bandied about, but I think this might be the meaning of the word GRACE. Wikipedia says that “In Christianity, grace is ‘unmerited favor’ from God (Ephesians 2:8-9).” And that exactly how I feel – as if B’s and E’s favor is unmerited by me.

When you add to this the touching generosity of the members of St. Paul’s AME Zion, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with grace these days.

Asking why

I think I have written previously about the idea that “there is a baby meant for us.” This phrase was shoved by our throats by the Christians surrounding us at our adoption agency, so we really fought it. It’s a case of the message being lost because of the messenger.

This meant that we couldn’t find comfort in the idea of God’s plan during our adoption process. I tried to find meaning during the down periods:

- Why were we matched with a situation only to have the baby be stillborn? The answer I cam e to was that we were meant to help the expectant mother in her time of need, before baby Adam died.

- Why were we used by a mother who never meant to place? It’s hard to find solace from this experience, but it did help me learn more about my mother’s experience during my childhood.

As I reassess the adoption experience with the idea that our long wait and disappointments were a part of our path to E, I think about whether those challenges were destined to happen and how they were an important part of our experience.

If so, that means that in both my path to parenthood and my career path, I’ve had recent experiences with difficult challenges followed by amazing rewards. Is this a typical way that God(dess) works?

Regardless, it is clear to me that God(dess) has been working wonderful things into my life. I feel so fortunate and blessed. I’ve actually become a bit superstitious – while my experience of attending church is a bit ambivalent right now, I’m afraid to stop going because such good things have happened to me while I have been a guest there.

I still don’t know how strongly I am being drawn to the Christian church – even as the new pastor has been urging me to deepen my commitment. A good friend has encourage me to meet with the pastor and explain my path to her, so that she knows where I am coming from.

Everyday miracle

In particular, my main client – who provides me with a steady half-time income – is such a blessing! My colleagues are wonderful, making the long commute to the office worthwhile. We wear shorts and t-shirts, play with dogs in the office, and have excellent coffee (and a microwave, unlike my last office)!

This client has taken me away from home for four nights this week, the first time I’ve been away from Baby E overnight. I think it’s been rougher for him and Papa D than for me. The only concession I have had to make is pumping two to three times a day.

My main concern is how this separation will affect our nursing relationship. My fear, of course, is that E will wean himself in my absence. I feel that would be such a shame, because we are having a lovely time right now. After so much stress and anxiety about building my milk supply, it’s so nice to have abandoned the bottles and let go of the fistfuls of pills taken each day and stop worrying about clocking my nursing sessions and the time between them. The biggest change is that I am no longer having to pump!!

Nowadays, I simply have enough milk for all of E’s needs. Whenever he wants to nurse, we nurse, for as long as he wants to. I’m not pushing him to nurse or pushing him to wean. I’m just enjoying this lovely interlude – between the challenging first year of nursing and the day when he weans.

On Monday morning, E’s morning nursing seemed different. He lay tucked under my arm, with my nipple in his mouth, not sucking voraciously as he usually does. Instead, he was wide-eyed and calm. I realized that this could be the last time he ever nurses.

I would be sad if he weans during this week, but I won’t be devastated. I’ve had a rewarding 14 and a half months. I achieved my goal of nursing for a year, and every day past that has been a special blessing. Especially when you consider that adoptive breastfeeding is a (medical) miracle in the first place.

Photo by Raphael Goetter

Living dream

Have I told y’all how much I love my job? I really feel like I’m LIVING THE DREAM. Working from home and setting my own schedule are totally wonderful for me. I sometimes hear from others that they wouldn’t want to work for themselves, but I think I’ve wanted this for a decade. The interest got more intense four years ago, when we moved to Small Town USA. And now I feel so fulfilled.

It’s not challenge-free – I’m very anxious about funds, about keeping clients happy, about marketing my services, and about maintaining my self-discipline. But I love the challenges, I feel capable of meeting them and it is energizing for me to set my skills against this situation.

I feel strongly that this is what I am meant to be doing now. Deep inside, I know that God(dess) made this happen for me. It seems clear to me that the bad job and the layoff were laying the groundwork for me to be willing to make this huge step in my career – a step I wasn’t willing or able to make at previous points in my life. It’s also obvious to me that I was given wonderful opportunities that made this possible.

This experience has made me feel that God(dess) has a plan for me, for our family. And I am reconsidering our whole adoption experience. While I haven’t seen any clear signs that Baby E was meant to be in our family, it seems clear that there is synchronicity at work. Every aspect of our match, placement, and ongoing relationship with E’s birthfamily has been smooth sailing – and honestly exceeded our wildest dreams.

There is certainly no question that E is the most wonderful baby in the world and that we couldn’t be happier with him. I believe that someday, as we learn more about his personality and his path in life, we will learn why we were chosen for him.

Why I became a mother

aby E is becoming a big boy, walking and "talking" (with sign language). At every age, I feel like "This is my favorite age." It just keeps getting more and more fun.

The happiest moment of my day is when Baby E gets home from daycare and sees me and runs toward me and is so excited to see me he laughs his little head off.

As he toddled toward me this weekend, with a huge smile on his face, I was struck by a realization.

This is why I became a mother. I wanted to be loved like this.

I have loved many children, but it was always colored with sadness and regret. I was never as important to those children as they were to me. I was just the older sister who left for college before they can remember, the aunt who lived 3,000 miles away, the godmother who moved away, or just some random adult.

Being loved by a baby is the experience that I have been dreaming of. I am perfect in his eyes - he doesn't see my wrinkles, plus sized clothes, undereye circles or other flaws. He doesn't know about my tendency to procrastinate, criticize or other character defects. When he looks at me, I feel perfect and perfectly loved.

Walk of shame

Yesterday, we had to walk past church, just as it was letting out. It was Papa D and his parents with me. I haven't been to church in weeks, so it was all the more embarrassing. I have to get back...this weekend.

Warm season

Wowie-zowie, the new pastor is good! She's not as forceful throughout the service, and she doesn't have as good a singing voice as the last pastor, but her sermon - about Blind Faith - was awesome. And it was followed by a really amazing and powerful blessings - everyone (except me) goes up to the front of the church and the pastor lays hands on and prays for each person.

You could really feel Spirit moving. I've only experienced that in church a few times before. In this particular instance, I was observing but wasn't a part of it.

However, I did feel more a part of the community in general. I was warmly welcomed by several of the members. And my friend invited me to sit with her, so I was surrounded by "Amens" and "Mm-hmms" during the sermon.

The new pastor also took the time to talk to me after the service, and she enthusiastically invited me to bring Baby E. I'd like to bring him at some point - partly to give Papa D a Sunday morning break and partly to show off my precious boy. But I find myself a bit reticent right now.

In the beginning, there was a part of me that wanted to bring Baby E to give myself some legitimacy for being at a black church. Even though I don't think it would have worked that way. I don't think most of the congregation members would really understand why I want to participate in my son's cultural heritage (heck, my highly-educated husband doesn't really understand). But now, I feel I am being accepted for myself, and I don't want to be written off, my motives questioned.

For now, I just want to enjoy the embrace of the community, the bounty of summer, and my newfound freedom in my career/life.